


He loves me, He loves me not

by changkyunnie



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Marriage, wonho is a sensitive cutie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 17:15:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11235567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/changkyunnie/pseuds/changkyunnie
Summary: Ever since Hoseok was 15, he'd performed this ritual every day at the exact time, the exact same way.





	He loves me, He loves me not

**Author's Note:**

> DON'T EVEN WASTE YOUR TIME READING THIS ITS SO BAD, I had an idea but I couldn't seem to put it into words so yeah this is really just shit tbh. but there's no harm in posting it i guess :/

The petals are wet with dew underneath his fingertips, glistening like crystalline tears as they drip down the side of the flower and shimmer underneath the afternoon sunlight.

The way the rose feels in his hand is all too familiar.

Ever since Hoseok was 15, he'd performed this ritual every day at the exact time, the exact same way. Whether the ground was plagued by fluffy white snow or the sun beat down through humid air, you would find him by the river ever day after school, and in the mornings on weekends.

Every day, without fail, he would go and search for a flower. Every day since he was 15, Hoseok had been picking the most beautiful flowers he could find, sitting down on the plush grass and pulling apart the petals one by one. Every day since he was 15, and every day until he was 25.

Ever since he was 15, Hoseok has been in love, or maybe he'd always known what it was he felt towards his best friend. All he knows is that from the day he had reliazed his feelings to the day he would finally have to face them, he picked one flower and tested his luck.

He remembers the day it had started.

Hoseok and Kihyun had been best friends since the first grade of elementary school, ever since the day their teacher had sat them together for class. They're still not sure what exactly caused them to click so fast, why they seemed to fit so well- Hoseok wants to call it fate, wants to say they were meant to fall in love.

They spent nearly every day with each other and grew with each memory Hoseok harbors in his mind. With Kihyun, Hoseok would never stop smiling. Everything was always a beautiful moment, one filled with laughter and happiness and maybe even with a feeling he refused to acknowledge.

He remembers the days they spent as kids, the sleepovers in tents during the hot summers and the forts they built in the winter. No matter the season, no matter the mood or the moment, the pair always found a way to enjoy each other's company or to have fun. It was almost magical how their friendship seemed to grow stronger with each "hello" exchanged upon opening the door and allowing each other into their houses, not as if they needed an invitation. They visited each other so often that they practically lived together.

Hoseok remembers that as the years progressed and brought them closer to high school, their bond never seemed to diminish. At his basketball games he would still look for that one face, find the same one smiling back and offering his utmost encouragement. It was like there was no one else there or in his life, just Kihyun and only Kihyun, him being the reason behind all the shots made and all the games won. Him and that beautiful smile.

Hoseok reminisces on every detail he has learned in the past 25 years that could have anything remotely to do with the younger. He still remembers his favourite colour, his favorite movie and the way he scrunches his nose up when he sees something that bothers him. He remembers how Kihyun would press his frigid feet to his leg underneath the blankets and that no matter what, he always seemed to be cold.

He remembers the moments in which Kihyun was in pain, when he faced struggles- how Hoseok would always be there to make everything better again. He remembers making popcorn at 3 am and building a fort, even at the age of 14, and treating Kihyun like royalty whenever he was upset. Almost instantly, that smile would be back.

He also remembers the day on which all that changed into something else, morphed into something a lot more confusing and became much harder to deal with. All the memories of that day come flooding back into his mind like a title wave, stretching his face into a beautiful, pure smile at the thought.

God, he was so in love with Kihyun. Has been for the last ten years.

It was the summer following their first year of high school, a normal day it would seem to anyone else. The sun was shining, the sky was blue; just like always. Yet, he remembers it so differently from others.

Every lunch break and every time they skipped a class, you would find the two on the roof, as it was their number one hang out spot no matter the weather (they had a tarp that stretched from one rooftop to another). The rooftop was special, a place where secrets were exchanged but never left it, locked up in the air between the roof and the staircase that descended from it. Anything that was said or done up there, stayed up there.

As cliché as it might sound, their favourite activity was to gaze at the clouds on hot, sunny days. He remembers all the shapes and sizes they came in, all the beautiful things Kihyun would point out and the laughter that would erupt from his chest. Those were the days filled with nothing but relaxation, peacefulness and a time he could truly say he was happy.

Everything, the setting, the weather, the activity. It was all the same. So what made that day different?

Maybe it was the way the light reflected off of his best friend's cheekbones, or how he could hear the smile in his voice just from looking at his back. Maybe he fell in love with the flecks of gold he could count buried deep within the other's hazel brown eyes, or the way he knocked his feet together as he sat back down next to him, leaning into his side and admiring the view.

Or maybe it had always been there, and it just took Hoseok 15 years to realize it.

Either way, you can't change the past, and Hoseok's only option was to face it. So now here he is 10 years later, doing exactly that.

That's what Hoseok does. He pins the rose to the front of his blazer, picks up the bouquet resting at his side on the soft grass, and heads to the church's main door with a blinding smile decorating his features. It's a smile for him, for Kihyun, for all the flowers wasted throughout his childhood, for all the times he had asked the same two questions over and over.

Hoseok takes a deep breath, inhaling and exhaling the warm, summer air and pushing down the memories for the last time in his life. He'll have no need for those soon.

Today is the day he will face his feelings.

With that, Hoseok collects himself and slowly pushes the main doors open.

The inside of the church is magnificently decorated, Kihyun's favourite shade of baby blue touching everywhere it can reach. He sees Kihyun in the flowers, in the balloons, in the ribbons and the sky that peeks through the ceiling.

As always, he sees Kihyun in everything.

He pushes his way past a few people, stepping through the aisle one pew at a time and admiring the gorgeous fabrics that adorn the seats. He's in the middle of smelling a basket of white roses when he hears a particular voice call his name.

Nothing, not anything in the entire world could have prepared him for this moment.

When he looks up the love of his life is standing there, waving his hand with tears in his eyes and dressed in the sharpest suit he has ever laid eyes on. A dashing red rose is pinned to his chest, contrasting beautifully to his gorgeous hazel hair that is styled up and out of his face. The light makeup he sports suits him wonderfully, catching the light that filters in from above and illuminating him like a god given angel.

It's almost too much for Hoseok to handle, and he almost runs. How badly he wants to run to Kihyun, kiss him senseless in front of everyone there, take him in his arms and cherish him for the rest of his life.

Because no one in the world could compare to Kihyun.

And the worst part? He wasn't the only one who thought so.

He's about to jog up to Kihyun and tell him how stunning he looks, adjust the crooked rose on his blazer and give him a genuine smile, until he catches sight of the man in the background.

That's right.

He can't.

Not today. He promised himself, not today. This was for Kihyun.

So instead of going up to the love of his life, he turns on his heel and makes his way out to the front, rejoining the groomsmen and getting ready for the ceremony to begin. He holds back tears and feels how his chest aches in pain, burying his love deep down in his heart and hoping it never comes out again.

Yet somehow, he knows it will always be there.

The ceremony starts and Hoseok walks in, staring down at his shoes and following the men in front of him. He tries his best to plaster on a smile he hopes seems to feign happiness, truly hiding the crushed heart inside. Today is Kihyun's day, and he has to remember that.

They arrive at the alter. He watches, stands on the sidelines as the taller man recites his vows and slips the golden band on Kihyun's slender finger, takes note on the genuine smile and tears gathering in the corners of the smaller male's eyes. Kihyun is happy, so he forces himself to be happy too.

Kihyun's fiancée becomes his husband, sealing it with a kiss that makes Hoseok's face twitch in disturbance. He sits through the entire thing, watches Hyunwoo and Kihyun announce their marriage and officially grant him the most heartbreaking scene of his entire life.

Afterward, Hoseok will remember this as the day he asked those two questions for the very last time. He will remember the way he ran out the second he got the chance, hiding among the guests that scurry around to collect their belongings. He will remember the tears that fell freely and shone as they sparkled underneath the sunlight, how they hit the water below the bridge he sat upon and made it ripple.

He will remember how he ripped the rose off his chest, how he tore a petal off with each question, tone turning more furious with each piece of the flower lost and each sob that racked his frame. He will remember the way they looked as they fell down to the water, spiralling through the air and dancing along the breeze.

He will remember reaching the last two petals, he will remember the pain that raced through his body at the realization of what was to come. He will remember how he cried, how he sighed, how he got up afterward and pretended as if it were nothing.

He will remember speaking the worlds aloud, ending on a gruesome yet not surprising, " _He loves me not_ ," the last petal he will ever pull dejectedly falling down to the river below.

 

**Author's Note:**

> yikes. btw, this is based off of taeyang's "wedding dress"


End file.
